No offense to Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin and all those yokums who descended on the Lincoln Memorial earlier today, but I really don't want God back in this country. I don't have any specific objection to God being anywhere, and I don't mind if he takes over certain parts of this country. Mississippi, for example. He can have Mississippi. He could open up as many Steak and Shakes as he wants in Mississippi. He can take over Missouri too. I was there once, and it was really humid.

Being a guy who's relatively fond of order and functional stability, I'd prefer God to take over whole states, just to maintain the integrity of state law and interstate commerce. But if he insists on piecemeal state-breaking, and absolutely has to have some part of Washington, he can have everything from Cle Elum east. If he makes a big ruckus for the Snoqualmie Pass and those mountains, I'll begrudgingly give him that too. But the Western portion of the state, the one with all the ports and big thoroughfares, I think we'd rather keep possession of those. It's industrialized, pretty densely populated, and I think he'd probably run into some denominational conflicts if he ventured too far into the inner city, where I live. 'Cause I take it Beck and Palin were referring to the Judeo-Christian God, or Jesus if you like, and the truth is we've got lots of very respectable agents of some of his competitors here that might want to keep the diversity intact. It's less crowded out east. I think with that natural barrier of the mountains keeping him in the east part of the state, he'll just have more room to move around. Yeah, definitely, let's keep him in the East.

I just think there are problems with God taking the whole country over wholesale, though. For one thing, I like the diversity of religions we have here. I have always sought out the non-mainstream of everything: music, art, cuisines, handlebars, cake mixes - it's just more interesting to me. I really don't like being tied down to one commonly agreed upon thing, and I think what Beck and Palin are proposing is that we all keep the one God. While I'm sure they have no need for more than one God, I like the versatility and flexibility of having multiple deities at my disposal. And eventually, if I ever pick one God to worship (I'm kind of playing hard-to-get right now), I can guarantee you that it will not be a popularity contest. There will be several factors taken into consideration, and marketing data will not be one of them. I haven't worked out the specific categories of adjudication yet, but I was considering things like benevolence, empathy, afterlife policy, "cool factor," the artistic aesthetic of said God's temples or churches (or lack thereof - "less is more" has its advantages), and the relative level of hypocrisy as expressed in the actions of the God's adherents. I realize that's a dangerous criteria - one should never judge the merit of a rock star based on the actions of his or her fans, I concur - but really, it's an impossible thing to overlook. We're talking a life path here, and if my God is going to expect me to walk in his light, then I gotta see how it's worked in the practice of the layman. A picture's worth a thousand words.

Oh, speaking of words: whatever holy texts are associated with this God are going to play a big part too. I'm not big on vengeance or wrath - yeah, I'm kind of a pussy in that regard, but that's how Whoever It Is made me. I don't like exclusionary cults, and I don't like arcane words or fables that really don't have any relevance to my current state of affairs or core philosophy. Which, of course, changes from time to time, so I'd kind of need a document that steers away from rigidity and retribution for those who don't follow the way to the letter.

I understand this list of requests or qualifications might be unreasonable to those of a religious nature for whom faith is their very essence, and I absolutely don't mean to infer that your religion is substandard simply because I refuse it. Please do not take this as a rejection. But I've gotten to know Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin in a vicarious way, over the televisions and the internets and such, and although they're obviously very happy with their God, based on what I see from them, I'm just not sure I trust that guy very much. Of course, if I'm mistaken and that God would like to explain some of the actions of his more rabid and, let's say, emotionally driven followers, he's more than welcome to send me a message and I'd love to talk it over with him. You know, just shoot me an email or a phone call or a big stone tablet or something and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!

***** – This movie is required viewing. You should have already seen it. If you haven't seen it by the time you solicit my opinion about it, then your scheduling system already needs to be reassessed. The mere question should never have been raised. You should have been supernaturally compelled to see this movie once post-production wrapped. Being a member of free society, you should choose to see this movie out of your own free will. However, if you remain unwilling, martial law should be imposed on your block, and access to your street should be restricted to emergency vehicles only. A covert organization should then abduct you from your home, preferably in front of your terrified family, and whisk you to an undisclosed location, where you will be strapped to a recliner (not an uncomfortable one; we're not savages) and forced to watch said motion picture, with head and eye movement inhibited in the manner of Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange (ironically, only a 4-star movie).

****½ – The half-star deduction from this movie removes the necessity of martial law, and all urgings for you to see this movie should therefore be lessened from violent to mocking, preferably from art-house patrons or Pixar employees.

**** – While this movie is a decidedly strong effort and its recommendation should be clear, you may be able to lead a happy and productive life without seeing it. After careful analysis, however, this movie does not serve as a certain gateway to understanding the intangible, inarticulate mysteries of our spiritual realm, most often because of occasional execution errors, lapses in narrative, or in Southern California, lack of CGI.

***½ – Although numerically this rating is a "yes" vote, you should feel more secure about your free will than ever before. There is no call for doomsday scenarios or Dantean retribution should you skip this movie. In certain tribes the 3½-star rating may be interpreted as a "necessary rental," but only in the most barbaric of tribes will your refusal to Netflix this film be considered punishable. Most of these extremist tribes live in tract homes near strip malls.

*** and **½  – As these two ratings exist on opposite sides of the line between recommendation and discouragement, their final evaluation must ultimately be determined by factors of minute, possibly incidental nature. Such factors include those pertinent only to the reviewer himself, like the number of naps taken during the movie, or his level of intoxication. (Coin-flipping, while effective, is ethically dubious.) Whether or not you should see this movie is probably dictated by the societal mores of your community; you are encouraged to refer to municipal codes for final decisions. Please pay a visit to your local city hall.

** – While this level of the scale represents clear non-recommendation, the 2-star rating is important because it represents the point where the burden of punishment shifts most dramatically. Now the viewer is wholly absolved from any responsibility to see this movie, but the filmmakers themselves must start to evaluate the consequences for their production. As it stands, most filmmakers can make a 2-star movie and still elude others' mortal wrath. However, they should now be prepared to experience wait times at their favorite eateries, unless they have called ahead. (Note: A special exception exists for religious-themed 2-star movies in areas of less population density, where they receive a 3-star bonus, rendering them the perfect 5.)

*½ – The mental health of the filmmaker must now be called into question, and intervention is strongly suggested. Concerned friends of the filmmaker should pay a home visit, with covered dishes.

* – Concerned friends should call the filmmaker and demand return of their dishes.

½* – The filmmaker has engaged in a perilous, stomach-wrenching tarantella with the devil himself and unlocked the Well Of The Dead. The malevolent apparitions, the toothy ogres and minions, are no longer figments of special effects and computers; they are now unrelenting and real. They wander our urban villages and scorch the streets with their hot, infernal breath. They tip over alt-weekly newsstands and make sickening dioramas with their defecations. They storm cafes, order brioches and then don't pay for them. They recruit our youth with the promise of evil transcendence and expert marketing strategies, then abandon their corpses in auto yards. The world stands at the precipice and there is no celestial cushion for to break our slow, frustrating fall through the stinging anti-cosmos.

0 stars – Society in fact ended about 10 years ago but forgot to inform Michael Bay it was leaving.

Once back in the '70s a British music producer was trying to line up musicians for a recording gig. He gets on the phone to the musicians' union and says, "Yeah, I'm trying to get anybody who can play sort of traditional British folk-rock music for this singer I got. So if you have anybody down there who can play like Steeleye Span, make sure you get them down to my studio tomorrow at 9am sharp! I'll be there at 10 after they've set up and we can get going." Producer hangs up the phone.

The next day the producer arrives in the control room at 10am, and to his horror he sees two synthesizer players, two jazz guitarists, a fretless bass player, a jazz horn section, three female background singers, and a Michael McDonald impersonator setting up in the studio.

Enraged, the producer gets on the phone and calls the musicians' union. When the rep gets on the phone the producer screams, "You idiot! I said 'Steeleye Span,' not 'Steely Dan'!"



This killed the crickets in the Catskills.

I haven't much brainpower to write about each album specifically, so you'll just have to take my word for it that my reasoning is excellent and my critical power is at its peak. That's what she said.

This list subject to change at the end of the year to include albums I haven't actually heard yet.

1. The Archandroid, Janelle Monae
Very rarely has someone shot for the moon with so much return.

2. I Learned The Hard Way, Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
Still pissed off at Rolling Stone for implying this was nothing more than pastiche.

3. Queen of Denmark, John Grant & Midlake
Grant's voice takes up valuable space in your arteries.

4. Brothers, The Black Keys
There's no more self-confident rock duo in music right now.

5. Infinite Arms, Band Of Horses
Heavy on the '70s Fleetwood Mac-type pop arrangements. You say that like it's a bad thing.

6. Heaven is Whenever, The Hold Steady
Not their most immediate album but maybe their slinkiest.

7. Zii E Zie, Caetano Veloso
I'm not actually sure this came out in second quarter, but it's when I heard it first.

8. This Is Happening, LCD Soundsystem
I'd expect this to pick up a notch or two during summer. Murphy's the rare dance music artist who takes time to seep in.

9. Up On the Ridge, Dierks Bentley
This is really popular bluegrass's most logical next step. Punch Brothers are involved.

10. Recovery, Eminem
What he needed to make, and what I was so happy to hear. Others think I'm a chump.

Honorable mentions:
Sea of Cowards, The Dead Weather
White Crosses, Against Me!
Thank Me Later, Drake
Welder, Elizabeth Cook
It'll Be Better, Francis & The Lights
American Slang, Gaslight Anthem
Mojo, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Wake Up the Nation, Paul Weller
How I Got Over, The Roots
The Great Rocksteady Swindle, the Slackers

Best Songs
1. "Tightrope," Janelle Monae
2. "Better Things," Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
3. "Everlasting Light," Black Keys
4. "Perdeu," Caetano Veloso
5. "Soft in the Center," The Hold Steady
6. "Los Angeloser," Meat Loaf
7. "I Need a Dollar," Aloe Blacc (actually left over from first quarter)
8. "Tighten Up," Black Keys
9. "Over," Drake
10. "Jesus Hates Faggots," John Grant & Midland
11. "I Was a Teenage Anarchist," Against Me!
12. "Dilly," Band of Horses
13. "Faster," Janelle Monae
14. "Up On the Ridge," Dierks Bentley
15. "Only an Expert," Laurie Anderson

This afternoon I made grilled Johnsonville bratwursts parboiled in beer and onions. When I opened the grill I thought it smelled really, really good. So I went inside and made a status update on Facebook:

"Brats in beer w/grilled onions & sauerkraut. You should smell my deck right now."

Merwyn comments:

"That can be the theme for new edgy commercials that get the young demographic wanting to buy brats: you should smell my deck right now."

Within 20 minutes I compose a fake magazine ad:


Within an hour I compose a radio commercial "from 1974":



Then I go work out for a couple hours, during which I get an idea for a radio ad "from 1986," which I make up immediately when I get home:



David Letterman's right. There is no "off" position on the genius switch.

Waiting for the cease-and-desist from Johnsonville Sausages.

Respect the mollusk!

Several things were in place at this year's Seattle Maritime Festival Chowder Cook-Off that indicated to me that the restaurants are taking this competition much more seriously than before. Most tellingly, none of the chowders was an outright disaster. Usually you can count on one restaurant doing something untowards, like making the carrots too raw, merely opening up pre-packaged salmon chowder and entering it in the competition (I have never forgiven you for that, Simply Seattle), burning the stock, or forcing judges to lick it off the laps of merchant seamen. No such disasters today - only minor lapses in judgment that would have been forgiven in lame years like 2009.

Secondly, the restaurants displayed their winning trophies from years past. This was helpful to me because, despite this being the fourth year in a row that I've done this little event, I have never known who wound up winning the overall competition. It should come as no surprise that The Six Seven at the Edgewater displayed the most hardware, although the consistent, year-after-year solid Fisherman's Restaurant didn't have any.

Also, the servers went out of the way last year to really solicit our votes. No disinterested clam shovellers, they. We were openly lobbied by the Six Seven, Ivar's, Bell Harbor Conference Center and the Crab Pot. In stricter competitions I believe this would have been considered pandering, or possibly voter manipulation. But it was encouraging in my view to see so many ladlers espousing the quality of their stock.

You're not phoning it in anymore, Maritime Fest. I'm proud of you. Here are my personal rankings: