God In The Country, Beck/Palin March (750 Words, Sat. Aug. 28, 2010)
No offense to Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin and all those yokums who descended on the Lincoln Memorial earlier today, but I really don't want God back in this country. I don't have any specific objection to God being anywhere, and I don't mind if he takes over certain parts of this country. Mississippi, for example. He can have Mississippi. He could open up as many Steak and Shakes as he wants in Mississippi. He can take over Missouri too. I was there once, and it was really humid.
Being a guy who's relatively fond of order and functional stability, I'd prefer God to take over whole states, just to maintain the integrity of state law and interstate commerce. But if he insists on piecemeal state-breaking, and absolutely has to have some part of Washington, he can have everything from Cle Elum east. If he makes a big ruckus for the Snoqualmie Pass and those mountains, I'll begrudgingly give him that too. But the Western portion of the state, the one with all the ports and big thoroughfares, I think we'd rather keep possession of those. It's industrialized, pretty densely populated, and I think he'd probably run into some denominational conflicts if he ventured too far into the inner city, where I live. 'Cause I take it Beck and Palin were referring to the Judeo-Christian God, or Jesus if you like, and the truth is we've got lots of very respectable agents of some of his competitors here that might want to keep the diversity intact. It's less crowded out east. I think with that natural barrier of the mountains keeping him in the east part of the state, he'll just have more room to move around. Yeah, definitely, let's keep him in the East.
I just think there are problems with God taking the whole country over wholesale, though. For one thing, I like the diversity of religions we have here. I have always sought out the non-mainstream of everything: music, art, cuisines, handlebars, cake mixes - it's just more interesting to me. I really don't like being tied down to one commonly agreed upon thing, and I think what Beck and Palin are proposing is that we all keep the one God. While I'm sure they have no need for more than one God, I like the versatility and flexibility of having multiple deities at my disposal. And eventually, if I ever pick one God to worship (I'm kind of playing hard-to-get right now), I can guarantee you that it will not be a popularity contest. There will be several factors taken into consideration, and marketing data will not be one of them. I haven't worked out the specific categories of adjudication yet, but I was considering things like benevolence, empathy, afterlife policy, "cool factor," the artistic aesthetic of said God's temples or churches (or lack thereof - "less is more" has its advantages), and the relative level of hypocrisy as expressed in the actions of the God's adherents. I realize that's a dangerous criteria - one should never judge the merit of a rock star based on the actions of his or her fans, I concur - but really, it's an impossible thing to overlook. We're talking a life path here, and if my God is going to expect me to walk in his light, then I gotta see how it's worked in the practice of the layman. A picture's worth a thousand words.
Oh, speaking of words: whatever holy texts are associated with this God are going to play a big part too. I'm not big on vengeance or wrath - yeah, I'm kind of a pussy in that regard, but that's how Whoever It Is made me. I don't like exclusionary cults, and I don't like arcane words or fables that really don't have any relevance to my current state of affairs or core philosophy. Which, of course, changes from time to time, so I'd kind of need a document that steers away from rigidity and retribution for those who don't follow the way to the letter.
I understand this list of requests or qualifications might be unreasonable to those of a religious nature for whom faith is their very essence, and I absolutely don't mean to infer that your religion is substandard simply because I refuse it. Please do not take this as a rejection. But I've gotten to know Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin in a vicarious way, over the televisions and the internets and such, and although they're obviously very happy with their God, based on what I see from them, I'm just not sure I trust that guy very much. Of course, if I'm mistaken and that God would like to explain some of the actions of his more rabid and, let's say, emotionally driven followers, he's more than welcome to send me a message and I'd love to talk it over with him. You know, just shoot me an email or a phone call or a big stone tablet or something and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!
RSS Feed



