They love you Long Time

Boston
Boston
(Epic, 1976)

Boston's UFO beat ELO's UFO by 14 months. The debut album from the group for Pensacola, Florida – ha ha ha, just kidding – came out in September 1976. Electric Light Orchestra's Out Of the Blue came out in November 1977. The covers of these albums featured the two most well-known UFO's in classic rock history.

ELO's UFO was more like a space station, not an attack ship:

You can see a space shuttle attempting to dock in the benevolent ELO UFO. The ELO UFO is also trimmed in bright, welcoming colors – the yellow-red combo that worked so well for McDonald's, with a little hint of sky blue in the docking stations. This is a warm, friendly UFO. These aren't the kind of UFO's that send 15-eyed creatures with un-manicured talons to rip you apart. It's clearly just a depot, maybe with a little researching business on the side. Nowadays it'd have a Quizno's.

Boston's UFO? They fuck ELO's UFO's shit up, you best believe.

Boston's UFO has blue flames shooting out of its ass. This is considered the hottest type of flame in existence. You can tell this because the blue flame coming from the ass of the Boston UFO has set the earth on fire. This was in the days before global warming became a concern, so you know this has to be one powerful type of UFO.

Another indication that Boston's UFO is not to be trifled with is that it appears to contain, in the biosphere covering the top portion of the ship, an entire city. I believe we can assume this city is Boston. It's contained in this sphere like one of those water glass fake-snow toys.

Closer inspection reveals that this is not merely one Boston UFO setting earth aflame with the blue-hot fire bombs projecting out of its gloryhole: It is, indeed, an entire fleet, all with blue flames shooting out of their asses. There are two lieutenant ships flanking the main Boston ship, and flanked behind them, replicating rows identical ships. We don't know for sure how many. They could stretch into infinity. The number could be limitless. Take your most drastic exponential estimates, and then multiply those estimates by themselves. It could be that many ships. You know how many ships that is? A lot.

It's unclear what mission this armada has taken on, although we can safely assume the blue ass-flames are not used in diplomatic negotiations. Such mass numbers are intended to stage a takeover of some sort.

From far away these ships look like jellyfish, which are also dangerous and cannot be eaten.

The Boston UFO's would kick the crap out of ELO's UFO's, even though they may appear smaller. That's okay. There are multitudes of them, and just one ELO UFO. The Boston UFOs are leaner. That means they're wilier. Blue flame means expansive power emanating from a concentrated area, like pilot lights. And the multiple number of ships represents the fact that on Boston's debut album, there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 12,000 electric guitars, all being played by one guy, Tom Scholz, who I'm guessing is at least head mechanic for one of these spaceships. Picture the tool belt.

Boston's debut album, Boston, arrived in the autumn of 1976. That was the giant thud you heard. Don't worry, it wasn't your bong dropping on the floor. It was Boston parking their UFO in the superstructure of rock and roll. Demolishing it, actually, somehow avoiding litigation with the city in the process. After all, they had a city of their own. It was Boston. Boston ain't afraid of nothin', with the exception of Lite Brite toys that look like cartoon aliens.

It was the thickest single-disc record ever made at the time. That is to say the sound of Boston was thick. It was not, as has been widely misconstrued, a "heavy" album. It was not heavy at all. It was thick rock. Know what else is thick? Curdled milk.

Whereas bands like Black Sabbath used lower bass frequencies to construct heaviness, Boston did not. Black Sabbath had at most two guitars ever going at once. But Boston used more guitars. I'd say 10, minimum. That made Boston sound thicker. Furthermore, they were all played by one guy, Scholz, and were simply overdubbed, one on top of the other, another on top of that, and so on and so on.

Why? Quantity. And Scholz didn't have time to teach his chords to anybody else. That would have involved him coming out of the booth. It would have screwed up the whole point behind pizza delivery.

Boston is, therefore, very thick. It is not heavy. And joining in on the thick unheaviness is Brad Delp, the singer for Boston. Tom Scholz could do many things, but he could not sing. Brad Delp could. When he sang I always pictured him as having a full, tightly curled head of black hair, and a thick black bushy beard and moustache. It turns out I was right. He looks a little better now.

Delp is the perfect commercial rock singer: He has a smooth sustain, like his tonsils had been dragged across a baseball diamond covered in dairy products. His vibrato is obvious and fluttery, but in that lounge singer way – not in the blustery, Rob Halford, Valkyrie way that connotes death by stabbing.

Delp is much better than Kevin Cronin from REO Speedwagon, who's kind of a pussy.

The songs on Boston are not very memorable, except for the ones that have been played on classic rock radio every fucking day since the Mesozoic Age. Undoubtedly, that has assisted in their being memorable. These songs are called "More Than a Feeling" – which admittedly is pretty effective – and "Long Time." They are about feeling something that's more than what it is commonly defined to be, and how things sometimes take a long time to get done. If you overdub multiple guitars, it takes even longer.

But the version of "Long Time" you hear on the radio isn't the full version. It's the second part of a two-part, combined song: "Foreplay/Long Time." "Foreplay" is an instrumental prelude featuring 12,000 electric guitars, crashing drums, a bassist and an apocalyptic organ. (It should go without saying that there's an organ on Boston as well.) The song is called "Foreplay" because it's the tantalizing appetizer before the main dish, which is the pop hit "Long Time."

The term "foreplay" is also used in sexual applications, referring to a series of gropes and gesticulations necessary to prepare nerve sensors in the human body for copulative activities. In the United States, "foreplay" is mainly done in coastal areas, very infrequently in the Midwest, and not at all in the South. "Foreplay" is also the national sport of France.

What's my point? The point is that Boston came with their UFO's and killed Jeff Lynne, lined the entire span of Interstate I-80 with photocopies of one guy playing several thousand guitars, sang about girls named Mary Anne, how they needed peace of mind because it's been such a long time, but since they're a rock and roll band that's smokin', please let them hitch a ride, because there's something about you and they'd like you to let them take you home tonight. That, in essence, sums up commercial hard rock from 1976 until last Thursday or so.

Boston is also the biggest-selling debut album of all time, and finally won the World Series in 2004.