Mistakes I made when I was raising Britney

1. The Oshkosh B'Gosh bustier.

2. The Rev. Ted Haggard Home Abstinence Kit.

3. Shouldn't have suggested that eye liner makes you read better.

4. When she used pink nail polish on her Fisher-Price play figures to simulate them not wearing panties I probably should have said something.

5. Cheez Whiz + frozen Pillsbury biscuit dough do not a torte make.

6. I swear I thought that "House of the Rising Sun" was a Montessori school.

7. Should have reconsidered my explanation about how raising children is like working the swing shift at a salmon hatchery: it smells and it's boring but you can always quit.

8. Should have explained that "retaining a lawyer" doesn't mean shoving an orthodontic device into an attorney's mouth.

9. The Xaviera Hollander Sit-N-Spin.

10. I swear I thought that the "Mustang Ranch" was a day camp for gymnasts.

11. Furthermore should have been more coy about why the Mustang Ranch didn't have any horses.

12. Should never have stopped her from joining the military.