Mistakes I made when I was raising Britney

1. The Oshkosh B'Gosh bustier.

2. The Rev. Ted Haggard Home Abstinence Kit.

3. Shouldn't have suggested that eye liner makes you read better.

4. When she used pink nail polish on her Fisher-Price play figures to simulate them not wearing panties I probably should have said something.

5. Cheez Whiz + frozen Pillsbury biscuit dough do not a torte make.

6. I swear I thought that "House of the Rising Sun" was a Montessori school.

7. Should have reconsidered my explanation about how raising children is like working the swing shift at a salmon hatchery: it smells and it's boring but you can always quit.

8. Should have explained that "retaining a lawyer" doesn't mean shoving an orthodontic device into an attorney's mouth.

9. The Xaviera Hollander Sit-N-Spin.

10. I swear I thought that the "Mustang Ranch" was a day camp for gymnasts.

11. Furthermore should have been more coy about why the Mustang Ranch didn't have any horses.

12. Should never have stopped her from joining the military.

Things I shall teach my son: Music Edition!

(1) Someday, some guy is gonna walk up to you all cocky and say this: "Yeah, London Calling was okay, but I think Cut The Crap is the Clash's unspoken, underrated masterpiece. You just gotta listen to it, man!" The guy who tells you this is a moron. Taze him.

(2) If anyone tells you Johnny Cash was too depressing or that Bob Dylan sucked because they couldn't stand his voice, say nothing in return. Just wish them luck on their unicorn figurine auction on Home Shopping Network and walk away.

(3) Unless we're talking about your sandwich lunch, trust 'em: you're not ready for this jelly.

(4) You may be recruited for a boy band. I'm not going to stand in the way of your career. I'm just sayin' the bigger your impresario's gold medallion is, the more you'll need to get your own representation. Don't tell the other guys.

(5) When passing through Bakersfield in the year 2036, why not stay at the Rodeo Kill Motor Inn on Truxtun Avenue? Free shell casings for the kids!

(6) It's spelled "Guns N' Roses." Single apostrophe, after the "N," not before, as logic would have it. And for God's sakes don't even think about hyphenating.

(7) Speaking of, let me know what you think of Chinese Democracy. Oh, wait, I'll be dead when it finally comes out.

(8) When the great 8-Track Cartridge Revival of 2028 happens, feel free to watch it from the sidelines.

(9) Never mind the pooh-poohers: It is more than possible to fashion a recording band from a cartoon. Why, just look at Gorillaz, the Archies, Josie & the Pussycats, or Nickelback.

(10) Just feed the bass player once every three days and he should be okay.